Quick Find
a b c d e f g h i j k l m
n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Quick Find
a b c d e f g h i j k l m
n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Quick Find
a b c d e f g h i j k l m
n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Abandonment

Leaving your ex. Also known as desertion. If you leave anything behind, don't expect to ever see it again.

Action

An legal action is what the legal eagles call a lawsuit. Also what gamblers call a crap game. And it's what the Married Men's Militia calls a chance to kick ass.

Admission

A voluntary confession or concession that the other party is telling the truth or making a valid point.

Adversarial Process

A game played by attorneys which pits one against the other. Similar to ice hockey, the difference being that clients take the place of pucks, and attorneys use precedents and motions instead of hockey sticks to slam the clients into a net. The object of the adversarial process is never justice, fairness, or what's right. The purported object of the game is winning the case for the client. However, the actual object is for the attorney to score the most style points on the opposing attorney while scoring the most fees from their client.
For a divorce warrior, this process provides a justification for whatever needs to be done, as in, "It's nothing personal. This is just how the adversarial process works."

Affidavit

A written statement made under oath. Must be witnessed and signed by a notary public or legally authorized person. Often part of the discovery process.

Agreement

A resolution of the disputed areas that is put into a the final decree. Kind of like a treaty point.

Alimony

A form of female revenge. Payments to your ex-wife so she can live in the style you have made her accustomed. Not the same as child support. The size of alimony payments depend on your net worth, income and how much her bloodsucker can convince a judge to award her.
It is politically correct to call it spousal maintenance or spousal support. It is improper to refer to it as the bitch's monthly pound of flesh.

Allegations

What she said you did. Or what you say she did. Part of the pleading. Allegations are supposed to set out what is to be proved, but often they just hang out there poisoning the air like some kind of chemical warfare gas. Provable allegations are the bullets of the divorce of the war. You want to hit her the most times without getting blown away yourself.

Agreement

Legalese for a prenuptial agreement. A property settlement agreement signed before the marriage. Something you may wish you'd had.

Appeal

Asking a higher court to reverse what happened in the lower court. Not a useful weapon in a divorce war unless your battleplan is to fight forever.

Appearance

Showing up at the court hearing. Arriving at the battleground.

Attachment

If you don't pay alimony, she can ask for a Court Order holding your property as equity for alimony payments.

Average Divorce

Cost: $15,000 to $30,000 Time: One Year

Bar Association

Abbreviation for Barracuda Association. A self-regulating body made up of a big circle of lawyers, all facing out, the purpose of which is to protect each other's backsides.

Bifurcation

This is a two-pronged process that entails furking you twice. It breaks the divorce proceeding into two parts. In the first furking, which is something of a quickie, the question of grounds for divorce are heard and decided. If there are grounds for divorce, the second longer furking consists of dividing up your property, establishing how much alimony and child support you have to shell out, as well as decisions on custody and attorney's fees.

Billable Hours

What you pay your attorney. Not just court time. Every moment the attorney spends walking, talking or taking a leak while thinking of your case or your wife's body is billable.The clock starts when the attorney's phone rings and ends when the next client's clock starts. The time of a law firm's partners, associates, and legal secretaries may billable at different rates. Hourly fees vary from area to area. All are ridiculous. Most are calculated in hundreds of dollars per hour. Like in two hundred and fifty ass-biting dollars per hour.

Boilerplate

Contracts and other legal paperwork that is already prepared. All the attorney's secretary does is fill in your name and the few pertinent facts. Most legal documents are boilerplate.

Burden Of Proof

Lies with the one seeking the relief (asking for a judgment). That person must bring forward evidence or testimony that will convince the judge. If the accuser doesn't sustain the burden of proof on an issue, the judge will find against them on that issue.

Change of Venue

If you feel that you can't get a fair trial because the judge is prejudiced, you can request the trial be moved to a different jurisdiction or heard by a different judge. Fat chance! But it is often an excellent delaying tactic.

Child Support

Payments to your wife for the care of the children. Not the same as alimony. Often child support and alimony have different tax considerations for you and your ex-wife. Often she must pay taxes on alimony, but not on child supportŠ which if you think about it, may give you a tactical advantage in negotiations.

Civil Action

What bloodsuckers joking call a divorce proceeding. There is nothing a bit civil about it... except maybe in the sense of the Civil War.

Claim

A charge made by you against her, or her against you.

Collusion

A secret agreement that violates the law with the purpose of defrauding someone. This can land the colluders in the deep

Community Property

All the stuff acquired during your marriage. It doesn't matter who holds titleŠ except if it entails an inheritance or gift. While some community property states may do it differently, most require equal division of community property. Community Property states include: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, and Washington.

Complaint

Also called the petition. Sets out the allegations upon which the requested decision is based.

Condonation

Turning a blind eye. Implies a pardon of an offense as if it were not committed. It means what one person does is not grounds for divorce if the other party seems to forgive it.
For instance, if you are doing her sister and your wife catches you en flagranté, but still sleeps with you, and even invites her sister to dinner, she can no longer use that as grounds for divorce.

Contempt

Something that is natural to feel about courts and lawyers, but is unwise to show, because it can get you fined or even tossed in the can. Contempt of court is an intentional failure to comply with a court order, decree or judgment. Or it may be a willful action of yours that impugns the dignity of the court. MeaningŠ if you piss off the judge, he can find you in contempt of court, fine you thousands and toss your sorry ass in the pokey.

Contested Case

It's what you got when you do not agree. It only gets "uncontested" when you agree on every single issue. To avoid trial, you need to reach the point of "uncontested."

Corespondent

Who you been doin' on the side. Naming a corespondent means they got the goods on you, you dirty dog.

Countersuit

Back atcha! You sue me. And I'll sue you. Lawyers love countersuits because they are a pain in the ass for everybody but the lawyers' bottom lines.

Custody

Who gets the kids. (See Joint Custody, Visitation Rights)

Custody Battle

A fight over the kids. The worst warfare imaginable. The primary victims of most custody battles are the children themselves.

Decree

The final settlement as determined by the court. Also called the judgment. This is the last word, the end of the line, a declaration of ignominious defeat or glorious victory. But one way or the other it is the fat lady singing!

Default Judgment

If you fail to appear, the judge makes his decree without hearing your side of the story. This is usually not a good deal for you. If you fail to appear, the judge makes his decree without hearing your side of the story. This is usually not a good deal for you.

Defendant

Probably youŠ if she brings the lawsuit. Also called respondent. But rememberŠ the best defense is the most offensive offense.

Deposition

Evidence depositions are made when a witness can't appear, but instead make their testimony in writing under oath. Discovery depositions are made to discover the facts or to discredit a witness if he or she changes testimony.

Desertion

Walking away. Taking a hike. If they catch you, they can nail you. Also known as abandonment.

Discovery

The court ordered process of finding out how much you've got, so she can demand it. Paying a court appointed accountant to nose through your papers and dig up every possible financial dealing, asset, income or liability including Payroll records, Bank records, Pension, Medical and Insurance records. Discovery procedures include depositions, documentation, and written or recorded interrogations. Examinations by shrinks and social workers may be included in the process.

Divorce Lawyer

A member of the Bar-racudas. A person who manipulates the legal system in order to prey on the misery of others A person who benefits when everybody else loses. Synonyms include legal leech, bloodsucker, carrion-eating marriage maggot, precedent-preaching parasitic piranha, vampire, justice molester, flesh-eating buzzard, marital mouthpiece, Latin-quoting legal eagle. (The authors welcome any additions to this list.)

Doctrine of Wasteful Dissipation

Getting rid of it before she gets it. Another one of those things you should not get caught at.

Emancipation

The point at which a child comes of age and becomes an adult. The point at which you no longer have to pay child-support. Depending on the state, this may be 18 or 21 or when the kid gets married, joins the army, or gets a full time job.

Equitable Division Of Property

An oxymoron. What the judge says is fair is fairŠ even if it isn't. Has very little to do with title to the property or who earned the money.

Ex Parte Motion

A sneak attack on the opponent's flank. A bloodsucker asking the judge for a ruling before informing the other side.

Expert Witness

Also known as a rent-a-witness. Professionals who are supposed to have specialized knowledge of a particular area that can impact on the case. These include shrinks, accountants, appraisers, and social workers who will testify for either side for pay. Often if one side gets an expert witness the other side must try to counter with theirs.

Family Court

Where you end up if you fail to pay alimony or child support.

Fault

The law in certain states requires someone to be the bad guy. Guess who?

Fault States

Illinois and South Dakota. Only these states require grounds for divorce to be marital misconduct.

Fee

What you pay your attorney. Legal fees are normally calculated on a per hour basis. (See Billable Hours.)

Filing

The act of putting in your divorce papers. Getting them into the legal system. The declaration of War!

Final Judgment

If you go to court, the judge has the final sayŠ even if you both hate what he decides. Also known as the decree.

Flat Fee

What lawyers charge on uncontested no-brainer cases that they let their secretary handle.

Foundation

Laying a foundation establishes the circumstances around the alleged fact. Like where you were, who was present, who said what to who before the incident. Often used with interpretable evidence like pictures... For example a Polaroid picture of your wife setting you on fire at the company barbecue. Is she spraying water or starter fluid on you? You may need witnesses to establish that this took place after your innocent conversation under the picnic table with the hot temp with the wet t-shirt. If a proper foundation is not laid, the evidence will not be allowed.

Grounds for Divorce

Adultery, desertion, mental or physical cruelty, chronic drunkenness, insanity, being an unfit parent. (You should be prepared for being accused of all of the above.)

Hidden Assets

Stuff you don't want them to find, but that they are looking for.

Hold-Harmless

When you assume liability for a debt and promise to protect your ex for any loss or expense in connection with it. Also called indemnification.

Impeachment

You impeach a witness when you prove they are lying.

Injunction

A court order putting the kibosh on an action before it causes physical or mental injury, or loss of property. For instance, the judge many issue an injunction preventing you from seeing the kids or being within 100 feet of your home.

Interlocutory Decree

Waiting time. A court judgment is not final until a certain passage of time, sometimes as long as a year. During the interlocutory period, neither you or she can remarry.

Interrogatories

Written questions requiring written answers. Must be done under oath and submitted on time.

Joint Custody

Children are shared by the parents. In PHYSICAL JOINT CUSTODY, this is often for a predetermined amount of time on a predetermined schedule -- often half and half. But JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY has nothing to do with time, it has to do with decisions. In a joint legal custody situation, decisions regarding the children are shared by both parents, no matter who may have physical custody.

Judgment

A decree or order.

Justice

A concept that does not exist in Family Courts or in the American legal system of adversarial process.

Law School

Rocks under which future attorneys acquire the appropriate layer of slime and memorize lots of precedents. Look for the plaque on the wall behind their desk. The more well-known the law school, the larger the hourly feeŠ whether they graduated first or last in their class.

Legal Eagle

A buzzard who circles dying marriages.

Legal Separation

Living apart... but, in most cases, with you still stuck the bills. During legal separation you can screw around, but you can't get remarried.

Legal System

A set of rules developed by the attorneys for the attorneys and of the attorneys so that their lifestyles may not perish from the earth.

Leverage Factors

The key issues. The primo territory. The stuff she wants most and will give up everything to get. Control these points and you win the war.

Men's Rights

No such animal.

Mediator

Middleman who helps you and your soon 2BX negotiate a settlement. Many mediators are not lawyers, which has got to be a step in the right direction.

Motion

An application for a judgment or ruling.

No-Fault Divorce

A divorce in which you do not have to prove that the other was out humpin' around.

Odds

1 out of 2 marriage end in divorce. 9 out of 10 divorce proceedings are settled out of court. 1 out of 6 divorced women are awarded alimony.

Petition

A formal written request (prayer) for relief.

Plaintiff

The one who files the papers. Also called petitioner. The one who goes on the offensive.

Petition

Asking the court for a ruling.

Pleading

Asking the court for something -- done in writing. Includes complaints, answers, motions, petitions, responses, and all counter-pleadings.

Precedent

A slick trick that worked before for one attorney way back whenŠ and that can be used again by others.

Privileged Information

The secret stuff you tell your attorney. Your attorney can not reveal it to anyone. Nor can it be admissible latter as evidence in this or any other caseŠ no matter what you did.

Pro Bono

For Free. But since nothing is really free, it means that an attorney charges you more so he can take on a poor woman's case for free (or in exchange for oral arguments?)

Pro Se Divorce

This is a do-it-yourself no lawyer divorce. If both parties agree and the divorce is uncontested, you can file your own papers. (Guess what? Lawyers hate hate hate hate it and advise strongly against it. Big bifurcated surprise!)

Relief

What you ask the court to doŠ such as dissolve the marriage, award custody of the children, etc. Also something you may be on after your divorce is over.

Retainer

The upfront payment to your bloodsucker which is worked off on an hourly basis.

Separation

A waystation along the path to divorce that allows you time to get your head together and to set up the parameters of the final deal. Sort of demilitarized zone where you can negotiate the final treaty points without getting your balls blown off.

Separation Agreement

Treaty in which you stay married, but live apart. A good one can plow the ground for the final termination treaty.

Separate Maintenance

"No man's land." This is a half-assed court-ordered cease-fire where the guy gets stuck picking up the check for his wife and family. You aren't divorced. But you aren't living together either. Also called legal separation.

Sequester

To steal legally. If you don't pay what the decree says, the judge can order your property and assets "sequestered" and then use it to pay for family support.

Statutes

State Laws which are arranged into codes.

Subpoena

A "you gotta show" paper. Requires the person subpoenaed to appear in court and give testimony. Failure to appear could cause the judge to get seriously pissed off.

Summons

A "you're the defendant" paper. A written notification that your wife has started the process and you better show up to defend your sorry ass against the complaint.

Temporary Settlement

When the wife wants something now! Often sets precedent for the final settlement. Be very careful here. Do not move out unless you want her to get the house and kids.

Trial

While this whole process may be a trial to you, the official trial is the formal court hearing before the judge.

Uncontested

You both want out. You both agree to every detail of the divorce.

Vacated

Tossed out. Eliminated. Like when a decree or order is vacated and another replaces it.

Visitation Rights

A determination of when the children can be visited by the parent who does not have custody. REASONABLE VISITATION is a mutually agreed upon set of loose rules of times when it's okay for you to visit. If she or you aren't reasonable, the court can and will order specific times and specific groundrules for visitation.