Legalities
It is important that your tactics be executed in a completely legal manner so as not to backfire into your own face. A good rule of thumb is that "anything that can be said in Latin can be done legally."
The Ex Parte Motion
"Ex Parte" is lawyer Latin for ambush or blindside. Normally, in a judicial proceeding, the adversarial parties must inform each other of what they are doing -- unless one files on ex parte motion.
To break it down into its parts "X" is the diminutive of excretion as in "excretion out of luck." "Parte" pronounced par-tay means "to party" as in "we're going to "partay" after you get eX-creted upon."
An ex parte motion asks the judge to rule against the adversary before the adversary even knows what's going down. That means the judge can rule against one side and then inform the other of the ruling.
Example of How To Ex Parte The Bitch
Let's say you want to get custody of the children. First, you must acquire evidence that she is an unfit mother and it would be dangerous for the children to be left with her. Let's further assume you have evidence she is leaving the children alone during the day so she can shoot heroin with the Jr. League Crocheting Team. You get video tapes of the kids and her, time-clocked and witnessed.
The you sneak into court without telling her and make an ex parte motion. Next thing she knows, before she can say, "Does anyone have any baby laxative to cut this horse?" you've got the kidlets.
When accomplished successfully, this tactic is said to be a "fait accompli" which is french for "tough excretion, sucker, we got it our way, it's written in fucking stone. Na-na-na-na-na-naaa!"
How To Cut Her Supply Lines
This is a must tactic -- unless you are the one out of one thousand who enjoys the relative bliss of an uncontested mutually agreed upon divorce.
1. Close the joint bank account
2. Cancel the credit cards
3. Run an ad in the local newspapers absolving yourself of any debts she may have incurred or may incur in the future
4. Write to the businesses where she shops to inform them that if they sell her merchandise on credit, you ain't paying
5. Change your legal mailing address so you can control the mail
6. Cancel your memberships in any clubs or associations
7. Take all the files and records and give them a friend for safekeeping
These seven deadly supply line cutters are only the basics. You might consider going further...
8. Call Ma Bell and cancel the telephone. (You can always get yourself a cellular with a new number)
9. Sell her car to an out-of-state buddy
10 Cut off all sources of funds so she is forced to get a job
11. Hire immigrant Serbs with experience outside Serajevo to lay siege to your house -- with the goal of getting her to move out. (Known as wifenic cleansing, this act is deplored by the Geneva Convention.)
But there are times when cutting her supply lines isn't enough.
Preemptive Strike
Let's assume it's still early in the proceedings, hopefully before official divorce papers are filed. You know you are going to be taking it up the poopchute, 'cause she's got you by the short and curlies and she's shown she's prepared to twist them until you squeal like a stuck sow. Now is the time to consider desperate measures.
It is possible, in spite of the sage advice you are getting in this highly informative and brilliantly written website, you may find yourself in such a no-win position. You feeling is something like, "Hey, I'm fucked. Whatever I do I'm fucked." It is now that you should consider cutting your loses.
What the farouk, if your life is going to be ruined anyway, why not consider doing it yourself -- in your way, not hers. And in doing so you can prepare for your new life after the bitch.
First you cut her supply lines. Then you embark on a scorched earth policy.
Scorched Earth Policy
It worked for the Russians fighting Napoleon and it can work for you. What the Czar's army did was to burn everything between Nappy and Moscow. That prevented the frog army which as Nappy said "traveled on its stomachs" from living off the land... and it eventually setup their defeat.
Assuming nothing gets literally torched, how do you employ a scorched earth policy in a divorce proceeding.
1. Sell the house
2. Sell the cars
3. Sell the furniture, the lawnmower, the garden hose and the metric tool set you've never used anyway
4. Sell everything you have -- down to your golf tees. Sell the stuff you want to buy back later from your brother or some other trustworthy male relative or buddy. What the hey, if you don't sell it all, she's going to take it all anyway.
5. Quit your job -- she's going to garnishee your wages anyway.
Where do you hide, uh, sorry
What do you do with the money from the sales?
Possibly take a Caribbean trip island hopping from San Juan to Aruba. Possibly take an unscheduled stop at Curaçao and set up an offshore company in which you put 95% of your assets. Possibly claim you lost the rest gambling.
Or you could invest your drinking buddy's new play about his days as an Alaskan construction worker.. Or you could buy stock in your other buddy's idea for construction company that builds hotel out of beer cans... Or maybe even use the money start your own street football league.
Be careful! If the scam you choose to hide dispose of your assets is handled inadeptly, it could look a lot like "willful dissipation of assets" and because this is somewhat illegal and does not create direct legal fees, it could put you in jail. But hey, screw it, they'll probably feed you better in the can than she did anyway.
Next.
Briefings